After writing on belonging, side talks with a couple of friends, few messages, and comments on the blog gave me a hard time sleeping. Amazing,! It is working! I am reflecting on my reflections in what apparently turned into an infinite process. Yay, thank you all!
These talks set off several thoughts, and one particular pressing idea kept on nagging on me, and still.
I always believed that true relationships are essential to be a true version of myself; to give space for a better version to emerge; to feel safer in the midst of a cruel world (inside and outside); to discover unknown realms of life; to be happier. And I am also aware that these true relationships are embodied through beautiful people, and not in the abstract. Hence, my need for special people, for friends in my life is crucial to love and be loved, all times, everywhere, I mean in general of course. But doesn’t this contradict entirely with the concept of freedom (that I was hailing in my previous post), by which I should not be attached to anyone or anything that forms a condition to happiness?
Was I lying to myself celebrating a deceiving freedom that will no longer exist once I find new “attachments” in my new place? Attachments that come with the new locational bonus, and “physical” presence! Am I celebrating a mere transitory freedom?
Oh, I think I am. Well, this sounds heavy, but I am afraid it is also true. At least it has been true for the past 8 years, where I didn’t enjoy any changing situation I lived through, until I created a “family” around me. Yes, I always used to the term “family”, and today I think I see why. I wanted us to be “attached” for good, assuming that is how families are supposed to be. Then, when lately my actual family fell apart, this illusion disappeared, but the need to be part of a whole never ceased.
That is who I am. So, how I can be free and real at the same time? Can I ever live life to the fullest free of attachments? For now, I don’t know. What I know is that I am waiting for my new ecosystem in Montreal to see light, so life becomes brighter, more meaningful and funnier.
Until then, Canadian winter is the best excuse for a slowly emerging social life. I am just afraid that it stops snowing prematurely.